Institutionalised

I am eight years old. My parents are in the front of the car, I’m in the back. I’m the only one of my siblings who is being spoiled with one of these many trips to Dublin. They want to look at me again, to bend my legs back and forth, to mock me by “testing” the strength in my arms. At least it’s a day off school, I suppose, a day free from being reminded that unlike my classmates, I can’t knit. I can’t run. I am not like the others. The others don’t make these trips to Dublin.

I am outside a brown building. Coming out of the automatic doors is a little boy, around my age. He is wearing exaggerated metal splints around his stick-thin legs and walking like a tin man. He stands out, he’s too obvious; he might as well be wearing a bell and shouting “leprosy!” I’ve been threatened with these splints a number of times. A punishment for my legs, for not cooperating. Inside, I am stripped down, exposed. The experts stick markers to my legs and calls them diamonds. Then I walk and walk and walk. I am tired, but I am told to keep going. Push that body. Don’t let it defeat you.

Now I’m ten. We’re staying with my aunt in Belfast. Well, mum and I are staying here. We’ve been coming up and down for weeks, going to the Musgrave Park Hospital. I wear the special markers again and the computer shows the doctors how my muscles move. I walk up and down and up and down. The doctors tell me I am a supermodel, and it must be true, because only supermodels could have their bodies scrutinised and discussed at every angle. They’re recommending botox to loosen my muscles, so I can walk better. Mum tries to make a joke of it, saying that she would love botox. Perhaps, after all this time, this botox will make my life better. Yes, this is the miracle cure I’ve been waiting on since forever. After waiting in a hospital bed for what feels like days, they give me the injection to the back of my right calf, and I am disappointed. Surely to be made normal, I must be ripped apart and sewn back at the seams?

I’m fourteen. To appease my mother I’ve gone into respite, knowing that in spite of her insistence, I won’t enjoy it one bit. I wake up on the first morning to find a nurse, evidently bored on the night shift, unpacking my things. I’m angry, yet I don’t interrupt. There’s no point: she won’t understand my anger. Instead I lie there, silently watching her as she judges my clothes, raises her eyebrows at the sweets my mum packed me. She checks every corner of my suitcase. I feel invaded, but I’m not sure if I am justified in this. Maybe this is just something we disabled people have to put up with. I don’t like it one bit.

Transition Year and one month off my seventeenth birthday. I’ve written a play, and the year head has agreed to allow the drama teacher and I to produce and direct it. This is the beginning of a blossoming writing career. I have so much to do, but I am not in school. Instead I am in Dun Laoghaire, the NRH to be exact.  I am to get two weeks’ intensive physio-, speech- and occupational therapy. Have I any idea how lucky I am? I’m only in TY, I’m told. I won’t miss much. I am put on the children’s ward. The girl in the bed next to me is called Stephanie. She becomes breathless when she tries to talk, but she is sweet. She’s also frighteningly institutionalised. She is my age and has been here a few months, but has already forgotten what life outside is like. The happiest part of her week is when one of the nurses does her nails. Life here is regimented. On the first day I wake up looking for a shower, and I’m told that showers are not an everyday thing. Instead I am presented with a basin of soapy water and told to wash myself. On my days to shower, despite my insistence that I can manage, I am told that it is unsafe for me to shower alone. I have to tolerate a stranger touching me, seeing my bits and pieces (“nothing we haven’t seen before” they say cheerily)  as I am scrubbed much like a horse might be. The nurses laugh at my embarrassment. Typical teenager. But I am not a typical teenager. If that were true, I would be in my home economics class, not here. We go to bed with a video at half eight. I haven’t gone to bed this early since I was eleven. It’s not really an opportunity to rest, either: people need to be turned and toileted during the night, sometimes people cry out for assistance. I am only here for two weeks, but the memory of it will last a lifetime. They prescribe lots of physio. Even now, at thirty-five, I still do it. It’s good for me.

I’m still in Transition Year, back in the safety of my own routine in Tullamore. I’ve done work experience in the Tullamore Tribune, and my play is about to go live to an audience of four hundred people over two nights. It feels surreal; it’s what I’ve always wanted, and yet I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I also feel exposed, as these characters are based on real-life people that I know and love. I also feel immensely proud and validated that my teachers trusted me with the task of writing and producing this play. In a parallel universe, we have to visit the National Learning Network as part of the “Community Care” module.  It’s an alternative to college for disabled people, people like me. As I sit listening I recognise its merits, but I also find myself wondering whether there is more to life. Will I end up in a day care centre in my twenties, drinking tea and making idle chit-chat about the weather? The prospect terrifies me, though I don’t know why. In many ways it may be easier than the mainstream route, but I am stubborn. Too stubborn sometimes.

So I enter fifth year, still terrified. I am just another number, I tell myself. Nothing special about me. I’ve convinced myself that the only way to avoid that day care centre is to study. I resolve to get enough points to get into Trinity, although I have no idea what I’m going to do after I get my degree. I become fixated with this aim; it’s the only thing that keeps me going.  My life revolves around school. I stop eating, watching with satisfaction as my belly shrinks into nothing. I am normal, I tell myself. I don’t stop studying until after midnight every night. I silently cry my way through lessons, despising my own weakness. I am lonely, but I don’t have time to go out gallivanting at weekends. I have no choice. I must do this. The Leaving Cert nearly breaks me, but I conquer it. Great triumph over adversity story. I am going to Trinity.

Trinity is a different world. I am equal here. With the right supports in place, I blend into the background, silently struggling with imposter syndrome. I can’t compete with these genii who claim to have been reading Jane Austen since they were five. I struggle in silence. I got a scholarship to go here. If I ask for help, people might think that I’m a dumbass and kick me out. I’ve resolved to leave when I am compelled to confide everything in Orlaith and Declan, the disability officers. They tell me not to leave. They also confirm something that I have suspected my entire life: that there is nothing wrong with me and that we need to use our inner fire to eliminate barriers for disabled people. I shamefully tell them I broke my electric wheelchair by bringing it across Front Square, but they don’t berate me (much!!). Instead they insist that the solution is to build a level-access pathway across the cobbles. I start to think that if an institution as old and as steeped in history as Trinity College is can make such dramatic changes, then there is no excuse for the rest of the world not to make these changes too.

During my time at Trinity, I learn so much more than how to write a critical essay. I learn how to be independent, how to cook, how to work and pay my bills. Every morning I wake up, and know that I have choices. I don’t always make the right ones, and having that freedom to fail and learn from those mistakes is vital. For example, one month I spend my rent money on God knows what and have to spend the next few months eating cereal. A hard but important lesson! I leave Trinity with the second class honour that was so important to me, though now I can’t remember why. I don’t even have the Latin parchment on display, I think it’s in my attic somewhere. After I leave college, I have no idea what I’m going to do. I feel like I’m leaving part of myself on campus, but with the grey buildings and the beautiful campanile and the leafy trees and students in their dufflecoats, I forget I’m not in the real world. The real world is cruel and it reminds me of my place: outside it. I apply for hundreds of jobs, but I do not get called for a single interview. What was I thinking, I berate myself, nobody would want a useless cripple.

Eventually, I am thrown a lifeline and Offaly Centre for Independent Living offers me a job. Mum tells me she was happier when I got offered a six-month internship with HP, an experience which would’ve cost me more money than it was worth. But I am delighted, and I still look back on my time there with fondness. My job is ridiculously easy. It is the emotional toll that is harder. I learn all about independent living and equal rights only to discover that these are only theories and that in reality Independent living cannot be achieved. I witness people becoming afraid to ask for what they wanted as the focus shifts to what people need at a basic level. There’s no money, we are constantly told at staff meetings.  We need to prioritise services, get people out of bed. Nothing we can do about it, we are told. Things are tight at the moment. I am an upstart, a troublemaker. I am not cooperating. I find myself trapped in an institution of my own, the dark depths of my own mind. I think back to my own respite stays of my childhood and feel physically sick at the thought of them being a long term arrangement, for me or for anyone.

It bothers me, even now in my position of privilege – I live independently, in my own home, with my husband, daughter and naughty little puppy – that there are people out there who are incarcerated by circumstances not of their own making. Many are living in hospitals either because their own houses are not wheelchair accessible, or because there are not enough ‘community supports’ like home helps and Personal Assistants, and it annoys me. It annoys me because I know that I am lucky. It annoys me because I constantly feel that I have dodged a bullet. It bothers me to hear about disabled people who are ready and willing to contribute to our economy being stuck at home because only their personal care needs are being met. It infuriates me sometimes that I was naively led to believe that disabled people could ever be viewed as equal when the story on the ground, as well as the lived reality, seems to be disturbingly different.

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t care. That I could get on with my life and writing and ignore the many rights that are being denied to disabled people at the moment. I’m not trying to make myself out to be a martyr, I promise. All I’m saying is why must there always be barriers to break through, obstacles to overcome? Why do I say the same thing over and over again to the point where I’m nearly boring myself?

Because, dear reader, I know what the alternatives are. And I never want to become institutionalised, in body or mind. I reserve the right to live a life of my own choosing, and I’m lucky to be free to exercise that right.

I am getting older now. My body – my fabulously unpredictable body – is letting me down in ways it never did before. It is scary, and I know that it is partly my own fault. But this is my vessel. It will never be perfect, it cannot be fixed, and nor would I ever want it to be. This was the way I was made – not worse or better, just me – and after all these years, believing that makes me stronger than any physio regime ever could.

Power to change

If you are reading this on 8 February 2020, it’s election day! Even though the general election in Ireland was only officially called about a month ago, it feels as though the pre-election propaganda has been going on for months and I’m sure, just like me, you are all tired of it, dear reader. (And speaking of being tired of people droning on, many thanks to those of you who read the throwback blogs I’ve been sharing on social media every day since this election was announced. You are truly my stars).

Admittedly, although there have been a few leaders’ and political debates on the telebox over the last few weeks, I haven’t actually sat through a whole debate. However, I have seen and heard small glimpses of them and it was like watching toddlers fighting over who drew that lovely picture. My own daughter will be eight on Sunday and I consider her too old for “he said, she said” sort of nonsense. Micheal Martin and Leo Varadkar have been particularly irritating. Neither of them have done the disability sector any favours over the years. The cutbacks began in Micheal’s time, and Leo has been the proud Leader of a party that once proposed the complete obliteration of the now precious Personal Assistant Service (which was proposed by James Reilly, then Minister for Health, in 2012).

People haven’t forgotten these things, it seems. Things in Ireland are on the cusp of change, with many once-sceptical people declaring their intention to vote for Sinn Féin. A decade of poverty, homelessness and unemployment have driven many people to the edge, with many of us still looking for signs of this economic upturn we’re supposedly in the midst of. I think it’s Orwellian of the government to assure us that things are improving when the cost of living is so high, when over ten thousand people (just three thousand people shy of the population of Tullamore, my home town) are homeless and those who emigrated during the lows of the recession saying that they couldn’t contemplate moving back in the near future to a country offering few prospects of career progression. As a struggling freelance writer, it’s easy for me to empathise with their point of view.

With the all-important vote here now, I’m still undecided who will be my number one. I know it’s so important to use my vote – not to would be a slap in the face to those brave and fearless suffragettes – but looking through history, I’m starting to wonder whether it’s really the way to make real change. Please don’t think that I’m trying to discourage people from using their vote – far from it! – but it was an Orwellian character, the everyman Winston in the dystopian novel 1984, who said –

“If there is hope, it lies in the proles.”

What I mean by this is that we need to be fearless and unflinching in our own convictions, and it is our responsibility to ensure that those who are elected into power follow the wishes of the people. That can only happen if we stand up and use our own voices with confidence and conviction. The people I admire in life are not politicians; they are ordinary people who were not afraid to make a stand. Rosa Parks, an ordinary woman, one day decided that she had had enough of being segregated because of the colour of her skin and initiated the Montgomery bus boycott in 1955. Subsequently, she became a symbol of resistance against racism in the USA, collaborating with Martin Luther King Jr in her pursuit of justice.

Seven years later, Ed Roberts, who had contracted polio as a teenager, fought to be accepted into the University of California, Berkeley. At interview stage, he was famously told “We’ve tried cripples before and it didn’t work.”  His subsequent acceptance into the University, along with some other severely impaired students, paved the way for future disabled students to gain entry. Roberts had a revolutionary idea that he was going to recruit and employ his own “attendant” as he wanted a life independent from his mother, Zona. He was going to “hire and fire” this attendant, and instruct them to carry out tasks as per his desires, not just based on what he was perceived to “need” by others. This left Zona free to pursue her own interests and subsequently Ed was not a burden on his mother. The establishment of the Center for Independent Living in 1972 heralded a monumental shift away from the misperception that disabled people could not make their own decisions or manage their own lives. Its establishment led to the philosophy of Independent Living spreading all over the world, even coming to Ireland.

The decision to bring independent living to Ireland did not come from government. No, it came directly from disabled activists themselves, including Martin Naughton, Michael McCabe and Donal Toolan. It was disabled people that took it upon themselves to revolutionise how services were being provided to disabled people at the time. This led to the founding of the first Irish Center for Independent Living in 1992. One of their first major projects, Operation Get Out, saw disabled people moving from unsuitable and outdated institutions into their own homes, where they could make both basic and life-changing decisions with the help of their Personal Assistants.

Over the years, disabled activists in Ireland have continued fighting and pushing for equality. Dermot Walsh is remembered for his work with Dublin Bus, and over the years, many disabled people have joined the campaign for accessible transport. In 2012, when the cutbacks to PA services were so cruelly threatened it was disabled people themselves, protesting for three days and nights outside the Dáil, who reversed that decision. Sadly, we have had no time to pat ourselves on the backs, because an activist’s work is never done. Many young disabled people remain trapped indefinitely in hospitals or unsuitable residential homes. According to research carried out by Independent Living Movement Ireland in 2017, 45% of those lucky 2,200 people in current receipt of PA services only have an average of forty-five minutes’ service a day, and people who have the highest personal care needs are being prioritised.

Can we really expect the government to bring about radical change? Or does the real answer lie closer to home? I have been reminded too often lately that life is short. How do we want to spend it? I understand that fighting and campaigning can be tiring, but believe me, complacency is a far more dangerous prospect.

I remember in 1997, when I was in sixth class in primary school, we had to write a composition about what we thought 2020 might look like. Some of it was bang-on, like having the ability to shop online and being able to pay for things by tapping your credit card. Of course, other suggestions were ludicrous, like having flying cars and being able to travel back and forth through time. But if you had told pre-pubescent me that in 2020, wheelchair users would still have to give notice to travel on public transport, that disabled people would still be trapped in unsuitable nursing homes and that we would not have access to the most basic services that enabled us to live independently, I don’t think I’d have believed it. Because it’s not only unbelievable – it’s scandalous.

The good news is that we can solve these things – us, the proles – by speaking out, saying no and rejecting the status quo.

Governments don’t always bring about the change we need. And they don’t want to reveal the dirty little secret: we, the ordinary people have that power. We’ve had that power all along, the freedom to use our own voices, to speak up on behalf of our peers, to say that the status quo just isn’t good enough any more.

Do you believe that one person can make a difference to the world?

And if so, why can’t that one person be you?

Disability Rights are Human Rights

So, it’s happened, as many predicted it would – a general election has been called for the 8thFebruary, 2020. What an underhanded move, don’t you think? To call an election due to take place within three weeks? The short timeframe leaves us all scrambling to make our cases, to highlight pressing issues to election candidates in the hope that somehow, our electorates will improve our quality of life.

 

However, there is something that’s been bothering me, something that I need to clarify once and for all with you, dear reader. You may have noticed, that as a writer, I am in danger of pigeon-holing myself; after all, the name of this blog is “wobbly yummy mummy”. The keywords I use most, according to the word map located to the right of this blog are “disability”, “independent living” and “equality”. When I established this blog six years ago, I intended it to become a platform for a diverse range of subjects, not just disability activism. Yet, I don’t think of it as time wasted, nor do I worry whether it will impact on my future writing career. I’m proud of this blog, and what it represents. Above all, my writing serves as a reminder to all who read it that –

 

Disability Rights Are Human Rights

 

This reminder comes as the nation ramps up to challenge those who think they hold the solution to the many problems facing people in this country right now. Often, when organisations purporting to represent the needs of disabled people deliver their manifestoes to the vote-seeking candidates, they are told by the election hopefuls that they understand the importance of services for disabled people, that they want to protect those who are “vulnerable” within our society. That said, few candidates understand that it’s not our impairments that make us vulnerable, but rather the lack of access, services and respect that we as disabled people face on a daily basis.

The reality is that disabled people’s lives are affected in deeper ways by the government’s unwillingness to treat us as equals. It has been recently reported that Ireland is the worst country in Europe to have an impairment or disability, and this doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. One of the biggest challenges is that disabled people are still treated as “patients”, people who, in the words of prominent activist, the late Martin Naughton “are to be cared for rather than cared about.” We have to ask ourselves whether things can ever drastically improve for disabled people in Ireland as long as the HSE is the principal funder of disability services. Does this mean that disability will always be seen as a medical issue rather than a form of social oppression, like racism? Which, of course, is exactly what it is.

Progress

It would be amiss of me to imply that there have been no glimmers of hope in the last three years. On 7 March, 2018, Ireland finally ratified the United Nations Convention on the Rights of People with Disabilities. On November 19, 2019, a motion was brought to the Seanad by Donegal TD Thomas Pringle in collaboration with NUI Galway and Independent Living Movement Ireland (ILMI) to legislate for a Personal Assistant Service. This has been a monumental step not only towards securing a service for disabled people often described as “my arms and my legs” but bringing about a change in the overall narrative of disability. It was the first time in a long time that I observed the language that was used being focused on a rights-based approach rather than the usual “vulnerable” narrative. And although the safety of the future of personal assistant services is still not guaranteed, I feel optimistic about the future of disabled people right now.

But – and there’s always a but – we cannot and should not rely on elected representatives to speak on our behalf. Historically, disabled people have had to suffer the humiliation of not having their voices heard. This starts on a seemingly innocuous level, in our everyday lives, when our family members or personal assistants are spoken to instead of us being spoken to directly. This is referred to as the “does he take sugar” syndrome, and evolves into a warped reality where the views of disabled people are only taken seriously when they are endorsed by a “disability organisation”. I know that my little blog does not have the reach that I would like it to have, and while I would never claim to be the expert on disability issues, I know how exclusion, lack of access and discrimination, both direct and indirect, impacts on my everyday life.

My point is – we need to trust ourselves. We need to truly believe that we as disabled people, and we alone, know what’s best for us. If we don’t believe this – and it’s shocking how many disabled people doubt themselves because of internalised oppression – then the big decisions will be made for us. Where we live, who assists us, our dreams and the nitty-gritty of our own lives will never be in our hands.

So to reiterate: The issues facing the population as a whole also face disabled people.

 For example, disabled people are aversely affected by the housing crisis. Many adult disabled people, just like non-disabled people, are still stuck living at home with their parents. Others are living in hospitals or nursing homes for the elderly because there is no accessible housing available or because they don’t have access to Personal Assistant Services. There are no figures available to show how many of the 10,000 people who are currently homeless are disabled people, but logically people with a varied range of impairments would be logistically unable to access certain hostels and emergency accommodation.

The rising costs of living means that disabled people in Ireland (like many others) are forced to eat nutritionally deficient food such as breakfast cereal, pasta or packaged soup, because they must save money for heating and other bills, or because they lack the assistance needed to prepare a more substantial meal. And the free travel pass, which was intended to reduce isolation among disabled people from their communities, is useless when buses are inaccessible and both urban and rural train stations are unmanned.

Should I have the chance to meet any of the election hopefuls face-to-face, I shall be reminding them that disabled people are demanding their human rights, that the government urgently needs to invest in all of our lives, that we should have access to the same services and opportunities as the “non-disabled” population and, above all, that we have been very patient. We have watched the deterioration of vital services and yet the outcry has been barely audible. We have tolerated cutbacks, the denial of basic rights, the compartmentalisation of our needs into “special needs” for far too long.

We refuse to do it any longer.

We refuse to be spoken for any longer.

Henceforth, we will be collectively using our voices and demanding our human rights.

Personal Assistance Should Be a Right

(This article was first published in the Tullamore Tribune week ending 20 December 2019. Many thanks to Ger Scully, editor of the Tribune, for this).

On the 19 November 2019, the possibility of legislating for Personal Assistance as a legal right was debated by the Dáil. The motion was brought forward by Donegal TD Thomas Pringle from Independents For Change, who worked in collaboration with Independent Living Movement Ireland (ILMI) in promoting the right for disabled people to access Personal Assistance in Ireland.

 

The Personal Assistance Service and Independent Living are intertwined. In their truest form, Personal Assistants are not “carers”, nor do they have the right to make decisions on behalf of the disabled people they work for. A Personal Assistant has been defined by many as “my arms and my legs”, in other words, the role of a Personal Assistant is to assist with or perform tasks that the disabled person (known as a “Leader”) cannot do for him or herself. The Leader is considered to be the expert in their own needs and directs the Personal Assistant on what he/she wants done. When the service is delivered properly, the PA does not “look after” the Leader, but rather enables him or her to live a fulfilling life – enter employment, access education, enjoy social events and raise a family – depending on the Leader’s own life goals.

 

In theory, a Leader’s service is customised to suit his or her own lifestyle. However, in reality, only a select few disabled people in Ireland are enjoying the full benefits of Independent Living. Since the onset of the recession in 2008 the lack of financial resources, coupled with a growing demand for a Personal Assistant Service, has led to overmedicalised assessments and more stringent criteria, leaving many disabled people with little or no service. Emphasis has been placed on “high dependency needs” such as feeding, showering and dressing. While this might make sense to the powers that be, in reality this can lead to a depressingly low quality of life for the Leader concerned, being all dressed up and nowhere to go.

 

Many Leaders make a distinction between a “home-help” service and a PA service. A home help works to a rota provided by a care organisation and merely assists clients with basic tasks such as Personal Care and feeding. Often, a client has little or no say in what tasks they can be assisted with, nor do they have control over who delivers these tasks. It is not uncommon for a “client” to be assisted by many different people, and a disabled person might not know who is assisting them from one day to the next. Conversely, a Personal Assistant is recruited by the Leader themselves, and matching personalities, as well as a willingness to carry out certain tasks, is a crucial element to the success of any PA/Leader relationship.

 

The original intention behind the service was that the Leader could dictate what they wanted to do and when, just like every other person in this country. Moreover, the philosophy of independent living espouses that the Leader should choose who assists them, what they need assistance with, and when. A distinct benefit of the PA service is that it reduces our reliance on our family and friends so that we can enjoy a relationship as equals, not as “carer” and “cared for”.

 

However, in spite of the ratification of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of People with Disabilities (UNCPRD), Personal Assistant Services are not currently a right for disabled people in Ireland. Consequently, this leaves the service vulnerable to the constant threat of cutbacks, as the government illustrated in 2012 when it endeavoured to eradicate the entire service overnight. People power alone, in the form of demonstrations outside the Dáil saved the service, but the PA service in its current form is not allowing disabled people to enjoy a reasonable or enjoyable quality of life. A report published by ILMI in 2017 conveyed that nearly half of people in receipt of PA services were getting the equivalent of 45 minutes a day. This is entirely unacceptable and clearly illustrates the need to legislate for PA Services.

 

Therefore, the motion which was brought before the Dáil and subsequently passed unanimously was a hugely historic day for disabled people in Ireland. It heralded a shift away from the notion of disabled people as passive recipients of care to people who had human rights and who deserved access to the tools that enable them to participate equally in society. For the first time, Personal Assistance was debated in the Dáil using the language of rights, signalling a shift away from the misperception that disabled people are merely passive recipients of care.

 

Alas, although this small battle has been won (and how sweet the victory does taste!) the work for those who want equality for disabled people is far from over. We cannot afford to be complacent or to take anything for granted. Now is the time to educate people, to create awareness of the importance of our PA services and to ensure that our government delivers on its promise to make independent living a basic human right.

 

For more information on the ILMI #PASNOW Campaign, visit www.ilmi.ie or follow us on Facebook www.facebook.com/ILMIreland  or Twitter @ILMIreland

 

Remembering John Doyle

It was October 13, 2016. Martin Naughton had just died, and the entire disability community was in mourning. Martin’s death was at a time when I had made a monumental decision, for the thousandth time. I was ready to kiss the world of disability activism goodbye and become a full-time freelance writer. I had spent too long caring about the degeneration of the philosophy of independent living. I had blogged about it, spoken about it and still I felt empty inside, as if the wonderful, magical world of Independent Living only existed in fairy tales.

A week later, I received an email from the wonderful Susan O’Brien in Carmichael House Centre for Independent Living (or Independent Living Movement Ireland as it is now known) asking me if I would be interested, along with other activists, in organising an event to pay tribute to Martin, who was considered to be the Irish Father of the Independent Living Movement. I accepted Sue’s kind invitation, and a week later found myself sitting like an imposter among some of the greatest activists in Ireland: Dermot Hayes, Ann Marie Flanagan, Mick Nestor and the legendary Shelly Gaynor (Shelly had been to the forefront of many protests against cutbacks to Personal Assistant Services). There was another man there who seemed oddly familiar: even though I’d never met him before in my life, I felt like I’d known him a long time. His name was John.

As the group discussed plans for the memorial event, John’s enthusiasm struck me and inspired me to volunteer to manage the social media and create a blog for the event. I felt more confident in my own voice and started to open up and share my ideas. In December 2016, I started talking to John over Facebook about how disillusioned I’d become with Independent Living in Ireland and how I felt that things had become overmedicalised.

“We are the experts in our own lives,” he said. “The HSE supports the medical model. They will never understand the true meaning of Independent Living or rights.” I offered the idea that we could educate those within the HSE, but John was having none of it. Over the following weeks we fought, we clashed, we agreed on some points. John said that it was important to have those conversations, to make things clearer in my own head.

At this point, there was talk of me joining the board of CIL Carmichael House, in early 2017. I was having serious doubts about it and John, who was concerned about me, asked me why.

“John, I’m not experienced enough to go onto any board, let alone onto a board of an organisation I’ve respected for years. Sure, I can talk the talk but I haven’t done anything tangibly constructive for the movement the way the others have. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

John wrote back: “Nobody knows what they’re doing, not at first anyway. Martin spent his life taking risks, and look how that paid off! You have such passion. Let that drive you.”

But I still didn’t feel worthy so I shied away from the Board. Determined to give something back, however, I instead threw myself into the memorial event. As a group, we named ourselves “By Us With Us”. In addition to managing the social media for the event, I wrote and consequently performed a dramatic monologue, which was close to the bone as it explored the damage caused by internalised oppression when Alison was born.

The months flew by. Before I knew it, it was May 2017 and I had not seen John since February. Nor had I heard much from him. In August, I was devastated to learn that John had lung cancer. My mum had that too. Generally, the prognosis for lung cancer is not good. Naturally, John pulled away from the organisation of the event.  Before this, he had been guiding me in managing the blog and Facebook page. His silence was eerie.

Not wanting to bother John, I asked other friends how he was doing. Apparently he was trying to put a brave face on it but he was terrified. I continued working with By Us With Us and getting to know Shelly. Soon, I would not be able to imagine my life without her as a friend, and she remains a massive part of my life.

Finally, the big event came on 23rd September 2017, and with it came my dramatic debut. It was so raw. The pain was supposed to be that of my character’s, but it was obviously I who was crying on the stage, not “Rachel”. The performed drained me and much to my disappointment, I had no choice but to miss the rest of the event and take it easy. At nine o’clock that evening, my phone pinged: a message from John. All it said was “I heard you were brilliant, well done Sarah”.

That was the last I ever heard from him.

John died on the night of 26th November. My heart ached, and I couldn’t say why. I barely knew the man; realistically I only met him face-to-face a handful of times. I cried when I heard. The thought of his children facing the rest of their lives without their dad, the loss within a disability community that had lost so many people, including Eugene Callan, four days after the memorial event.

For some reason, John’s death angered me. I began to think of all the disabled people I knew,  young and old, who were grappling with the same shite that disabled people grappled with thirty years ago. How could there be so little progress between my generation and John’s? As if possessed by some intangible demon, I sat at the keyboard and typed blindly, my own salty tears stinging my eyes. I could hear John saying (though I can’t remember whether he actually said this, or if he implied it), that from the cradle to the grave, all disabled people seem to do is fight.

I didn’t dedicate the poem to John openly at the time. I felt I had no right to. I barely knew the man. Others had a historical connection to him that I didn’t have. So I shared it, but didn’t mention John.  Now, I dedicate this poem to John, two years after his passing.

In 2018 I was asked if I would like to join the Board of Independent Living Movement Ireland. Again I said, “Others have more experience than me.” Shelly’s response was the exact same as John’s had been and I felt that he was there, dragging me back to the world of activism which frustrates me and makes my soul sing in equal measure.

As a movement, we have made fantastic progress. Last week saw the passing of a motion in the Seanad that represented independent living as a fundamental human right for disabled people rather than a service that is granted on a whim by the powers that be within the HSE. This was always John’s dream, and now it’s up to all of us to make it a reality – to continue to fight, fight, fight.

Rest in peace friend (and thanks so much for the poetic inspiration – one of my favourite poems yet).

The Client (Short story)

 

 

I turn down the radio as I pull up to the house. It wouldn’t make a good impression to drive into the driveway, Jon Bon Jovi blaring as I get out of the car. Instead I choose to park just outside the gate I grab the little clear bottle of hand sanitiser that has been rattling around my dashboard all morning, wincing as I rub the stinging liquid into my skin. My first call of the day – well, my first call ever, actually. My hair is tied back and I’m wearing the freshly ironed uniform given to me by the agency. The app I’ve downloaded onto my phone informs the admin team when I’ve arrived; I wait until 8 A.M. on the dot before “clocking in”. There’s no point clocking in early; I won’t get paid for it anyway.

 

The unkempt garden looks like a magical Christmas wonderland in this heavy frost and suffocating fog. Underfoot lies a glassy red and orange leaved carpet, which could easily be mistaken for a skating rink. I navigate the driveway with caution, cursing myself for choosing these snappy-looking heels. I still wear them, even though I left the solicitor’s firm a year ago. Well, left isn’t the right word, exactly, but I never elaborate unless asked. Come to think of it, I’ve never been asked; this is my first job since packing up my small, cramped desk of nearly eighteen years.

 

I ring the doorbell, hearing it echoing up the hall. On inspecting my notes this morning, I read that this client has a key, hidden in a small brown box under the unruly shrub in the corner. However, I don’t think it would be appropriate to use it for our first meeting. A shadow appears in the hall. The height of the shadow doesn’t even reach my chin. I inhale sharply as the blue door opens.

 

“Hello there!” I say, with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. “I’m Marie. I’m your carer today.”

 

My client merely grunts in reply, swinging her wheelchair back so I can squeeze past her in her narrow hall. The bulb overhead is far too bright; under its harsh, unforgiving light, this woman looks fifty, but I know from reading her file that she isn’t even thirty yet. Some of them are just like that though, aren’t they? Old before their time. Her mouth is fixed in a firm line, her fists are wrapped around the wheels of her chair. She isn’t impressed to see me.

 

I follow her into the kitchen, which was once a buttery yellow but has been made grubby with fingermarks and blackened with smoke. Over the small, white, standalone hob/oven in the corner, splatters of oil and bits of pasta cling forgotten to the walls behind. A St. Brigid’s cross hangs sideways over the door. On the kitchen door itself, as I close it behind me, there hangs a 2017 calendar from Emo Oil, on the March page. Time seems to have frozen since: it’s November 2019 now. Certainly the table looks as though it was abandoned during a zombie apocalypse: a stack of old Offaly Independents, a thick-based laptop with the screen closed down, an array of old socks. It saddens me to think that this is how any thirty-year old woman should live.

 

“So, according to your care plan,” I say as I flick through the pages, “you need a hand with getting dressed and your breakfast which is normally jam on toast. Is that correct?” I smile at her as I pull on the latex gloves, a standard issue from head office. She doesn’t smile back.

 

“Where’s Nuala?” she says in an accusing tone.

 

“Nuala?”

 

She’s exasperated with me already. Not a good start to the day.

 

“Yes, Nuala. The woman who normally works here. I wasn’t told she was being replaced.”

 

This must be a test, I think. “You’ll have to ask the office. I was just sent here this morning. I’m just following orders. Don’t worry, I’m fully trained. I know what I’m doing.”

 

“Level five?”

 

“Just got my certificate last week,” I say, swelling with pride as I relive the moment I was handed the award, as well as an extra award for being top of my class. I’d always had a mind for theories, for essays. The course had been a piece of cake.

 

She rolls her eyes and makes a retching noise. “You’re early,” she says, rummaging in her handbag. To my horror, she pulls out a black cigarette box. “I like to have my morning fag before I do anything.” Before I can stop her, she pulls one out of the box and lights it.

 

Oh hell, I think to myself. I hadn’t imagined landing head-first into a scenario like this. I wonder if the office staff are going to pop out from behind the door and shout “Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!” popping streamers and blowing those annoying kazoos that are thankfully disappearing from kids’ parties these days. God bless the drive to cut the unnecessary plastic.

 

She’s already taken three pulls before I have the courage to say: “Sorry, this is my workplace. You can’t smoke.” I would go as far to say I hate smokers. They’re so inconsiderate and selfish, and they rarely think of anyone but themselves.

 

She shrugs, continuing to smoke, blowing the smoke in my direction, which I think is definitely taking the piss.

 

“Yeah, well, it’s my house.”

 

Her obstinance is grating on me. “Well, according to this handbook,” I say, grabbing it out of my handbag and flicking through the pages, “section fourteen says that because of the Tobacco Act 2004, all workplaces must now be work free.” I stuff the manual back into my bag. Thank God I didn’t leave it on the kitchen table; I knew that I’d be needing it. “And now,” I continue, looking at my watch, “I only have twenty-five minutes to get you done, so if you want a shower, you may hurry up. I have five other clients this morning.”

 

Her face is hurt, like a chastised child’s.

 

“You’re not allowed shower me,” she informs me. “That’s a two-person job. Didn’t they teach you that on that fancy FETAC Level 5 course? Anyway, it’s not Thursday.” Bloody newbie, I hear her mutter to herself.

 

She stubs the cigarette out on a saucer and wheels out past me again. I follow her, feeling the damp emanating from the walls. Her bedroom is small and dark, and the floor is covered in clothes and shoes. I can barely follow her in. Looking at the mess, I can’t help but feel sorry for her. If only I had time to tidy up for her, but I don’t. it’s only my first day but I’m determined to make a good impression; ergo, I must be punctual for all my clients. Anyway, this lady, like all the people I’m scheduled to help this morning, surely knows what the drill is by now. She knows that I’m not made of time. I wonder does she do this with all her carers: try to stretch out her time, chance her arm?

 

“Can I have my Adidas hoody and tracksuit bottoms?” she asks me. I can’t seem to put my hand to the bottoms; the room is in chaos. Though I can see why. Apart from this tiny dresser, this girl has no accessible place to store her clothes. I haven’t seen the hotpress, but I’d imagine the shelves are too high to be reached from where she sits in the wheelchair.

 

Time is really running out now. “I can’t find your bottoms. Can you wear these Reebok ones instead?”

 

Again, she doesn’t look happy. “Go on then,” she says, sitting still as I pull them up her legs.

 

It must be strange for her, I think, being dressed by a total stranger. Honestly, I don’t think I would like it. As I sit her back down in the wheelchair, for a second I catch a glimpse of my own future, and I don’t like it. If I’m being honest with myself, I think I’d rather be dead. That’s what Tom and I always said: if we became old or crippled before our time, we would be on a plane to the Netherlands and we wouldn’t be coming back. I personally could never burden anyone like that.

 

“Now,” I say, too brightly again. I keep forgetting that I’m not talking to a child. And yet there’s something childlike and vulnerable about her. For starters, she’s evidently unable to keep house, although I’m starting to suspect this might be because she doesn’t want to. “Any plans for today?”

 

She shakes her head, staring out the small, dirty window into her jungle-like back garden. I wonder if I’m the only person she’ll see today, at least until the night carer comes back to help her get ready for bed. A hacking cough shakes me out of the daze I’m in.

 

“I might go to the day care centre.” Her voice is indifferent. If this was the most exciting prospect in my day, I suspect that I would be equally unenthusiastic. “I don’t like going there too much. Bunch of auld grannies.” She looks up at me. “I don’t suppose you have time to straighten my hair?”
For what I think. The day care centre? I wouldn’t imagine there to be any fine young specimens in there. I worked in the Ballingar centre as part of my work experience and it was like witnessing an eightieth birthday in a care home. It was depressing to think that people the same age as I was lived like this, often only seeing the four walls of their home. I think of myself at thirty, almost fifteen years ago. John and I already had five years paid off our mortgage on our beautiful four-bed detached in Whitehall Estate. I was juggling my blossoming legal career with two kids under the age of five. I remember the odd days that I skived off work, meeting Margaret and Brenda for coffee, and sometimes the odd liquid lunch. Even at the time, I remember thinking that I would look back on those days with nostalgia. Now, I was looking down at a girl – sorry, a woman – whose excitement probably revolved around that morning fag and some inane chit-chat in a day care centre.  Worst of all, she seems to be resigned to this. This is her life. I feel a little deflated.

 

We sit in silence as I straighten her hair and I watch in satisfaction as I tame her unruly locks into a professional-looking bob. I missed my calling, I think to myself. I should’ve been a hairdresser. To my surprise, the edges of my companion’s small mouth are inching upwards towards her cheeks. I feel a lukewarm glow in my chest, a hint of a natural high. As if by magic, this lady now looks slick, elegant. If this is having such an effect on boosting my self-esteem, I can only imagine the effect that something as simple as having her hair straightened has on her.

 

“Now,” I say, looking at my watch. “I’ve five minutes left. Do you want something else? Breakfast? Cup of tea?”

 

She nods. “Tea and toast would be great.”

 

We go into the kitchen and she shows me where everything is. I make her toast and cut each slice into four automatically, as I used to do for my children. This makes her smile a little.

 

“Sorry. I suppose I should’ve asked you what way you cut your toast.”

 

“It’s fine. Toast is toast,” she says.

 

My forty-five minutes are up, it’s time to leave and go to the next client. I pull out the care plan, and tick the boxes Personal Care and Feeding. I’ve done what I was sent here to do. I suppose there has to be some way of regulating the industry, certain standards to be met. But it must get boring for her, the same thing morning after morning. On reflection, I think she handled herself quite well, considering I’m a total stranger, rooting around her home.

 

“Well, I’m going to head,” I say, gesturing towards the door.

 

To my surprise, she nods and says, “Will I see you tomorrow?”

 

“It depends on my rota, I’m afraid. Sorry,” I add, and I mean it. This girl obviously doesn’t know who’s coming into her house from one end of the day to the next. I could not imagine being okay with such invasions to my personal space.

 

I trot back towards my car, cursing myself again for wearing these damned high heels. For the first time since leaving work, I’m missing the chaos of my desk, being able to hide behind piles of unopened letters and emails, dealing with cold, hard logic instead of having to face my feelings and the realities of others.

 

As I drive away, I realise that the girl – sorry, woman – never even told me her name. Maybe she assumed I knew. Maybe she thought it wouldn’t matter, her being on a long list of clients waiting for my help. I glance at the file beside me – her name is Denise.

 

It’ll be interesting to see if I ever see Denise again. Perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t.

Either way, I’ll always have other clients.

I pull up to the next house, ready to do it all again.

What do we want? A PA service! When do we want it? Now!

Ugh. I’ve been thinking lately about how many times I’ve been torn between pursuing other journalism opportunities and how often I end up just posting here instead. This blog is too accessible, too easy. Perhaps I should delete it, the culmination of five years’ solid work, publish it in book form, and charge extortionate amounts of money to people who want to read it. I give myself away, far too easily as a writer.

On the other hand – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – some things are more important than money. And there are some things money can’t buy. Freedom of choice, equal rights – those kind of things.

On Tuesday, 19 November 2019, an important motion is being brought to the Dáil. The motion proposes the legislation of a P.A. service. It’s safe to say that the majority of disabled people who currently use the service understand the rationale behind legislation. For too long, there has been a level of misperception that disabled people, in the words of Martin Naughton, are “to be cared for rather than cared about.” Since the onset of the recession, a culture has been created between those who care about the Independent Living Philosophy whereby it is often perceived to be “safer” to stay quiet and accept things, especially if people are afraid of losing the little provision they have.

Historically, independent living has never been approached as a “rights-based” issue in Ireland. The establishment of the Center for Independent Living in 1992 marked a monumental shift away from the charity model of disability to a rights-based approach. It celebrated the individuality of disabled people and their diverse lifestyle choices. However, as the demand for this revolutionary service grew, so too did the restrictions of it.

The HSE funds the Personal Assistant Service at present. However, significant investment is badly needed to enable people to live full, meaningful lives. Pauline Conroy, in her book entitled A Bit Different? Disability in Ireland notes that in 2017, forty-five percent of Leaders (service users) were only receiving a mere 45 minutes a day on average of Personal Assistance, largely for Personal Care. Many activists have been crying out for years for the need to create a fund exclusively for personal assistance. In our minds, “carers” tend to follow the “medical model”; disabled people are viewed either as “problematic” or as passive recipients of services, incapable of having their own voice or even of making the most basic decisions about their own lives. Whereas in the true definition of the Personal Assistant Service, the Leader is placed, as Martin Naughton once said, in the “driving seat” of their own lives.

The debate coming up next Tuesday is an important one. It won’t lead to all of us waking up on Wednesday morning in a world that has changed overnight, where we will all be able to access the level of assistance we need to live fully independently. At the very least, however, we will be creating a conversation about the need to approach Personal Assistance as a right, not as a lottery depending on your address. It’s about urging people to consider the importance of free will, of independence and choice.

If you would like to create awareness of independent living, or if you would like your local representative to debate this motion in the Dáil next Tuesday, please email me at sarahfitzgerald1984@gmail.com and I can send you an email template.

Finally, if I’ve kept your attention this far, you might be interested in this short story which details the reality of dependency and uncertainty for disabled people in Ireland.

 

(For more info on the #PASNow campaign, email me as above or visit Independent Living Movement Ireland’s website, ilmi.ie)

Post Election Manifesto (Poem)

 

You knocked on our doors wearing a smile,
Said that you wanted to talk for a while,
Assured us that you understood our pain
and that in trusting in you, we had everything to gain.
Then as the door closed with us safe behind
Did we really remain in your minds?
Could you really know what our smiles were hiding
As your manifestos through our letterboxes you were sliding?

Black eyes by a fist who wanted to show who was boss;
An empty cot owned by a mother suffering a loss;
A child who didn’t have breakfast that day;
A young man who can’t make those voices go away;
A lonely but beautiful lady who can’t seem to stop drinking –
When you were ringing those doorbells
What were you thinking?
How were you going to gain our trust
In an Ireland viewed by many as cold and unjust?

You could promise the moon and the stars
But we won’t believe you’re not running up your tab at the bar.
While you attest that things will change in your name
for many of us our reality stays the same,
We still struggle to keep the roofs over our heads
(the lucky of us that is – spare a thought for those in hostel beds),
while working our fingers down to the bone
and spending our evenings feeling overwhelmed and alone.

And that – mo chara – is the biggest problem right there –
That people these days just don’t seem to care!
Young people in nursing homes, families with nothing to eat,
Thousands of people out on the street!
For a country obsessed with unity, all we do is divide –
Never has the gap between ‘rich’ and ‘poor’ been so wide.
And it’s so hard to believe that the country is broke
When the powers that be get six-figure paychecks
(unlike ordinary folk).

So if you are in government, and you’re reading this crap,
It’s time to stop letting Bertie and Enda take the rap,
The future of this country rests in your hands
And we’re counting on you to meet our demands.
Don’t say it’s impossible, that your hands are tied,
Instead think of the tears your people have cried.
One person can’t change the world, it’s true,
But if you speak up for the voiceless, others will too
And maybe, just maybe, our faith in Ireland will renew.

 

I know what I want – and I want it now!

Today is a mucky, awful day. It’s been leaking all morning, and probably will be for the rest of the week, according to forecasts. Nonetheless, I’ve been out of the house. My Personal Assistant and I have already been to the gym today, which not only helps me keep fit but also ensures that a hermit writer such as my good self does not become institutionalised within my four walls. Such a normal, mundane thing, isn’t it, going to the gym? Some dedicated people (read nutcases) even make time to go at six or seven in the morning before work. Often, if I go slightly later in the day (early afternoon) I meet other mums sweating it out before the kids barge in from school.

How wonderful it is to have that choice – to come and go as you please. To go to the gym, or to sit in a café salivating at a large chocolate éclair. To go to bed early and read, or to stay up until 4am watching the latest series on Netflix. The great thing about life is that it is full of choices. We make choices every day – mundane ones like what to have for dinner, and exciting ones like going travelling in Australia(!) – and many of us never give them a second thought.  And hell, why would we? Life is for living, right? We’re going to be dead long enough, aren’t we?

I have not been feeling too good in myself lately (hence all the extra exercise – it boosts my mood) because I know what I want. I want to be a writer, and even though I’ve spent hours this week applying for other jobs, I know that writing is the only profession that makes me feel whole, competent and useful. I love it because it’s a skill that can constantly be worked on, improved upon and polished. However it is so hard to focus solely on writing when I know that disabled people are collectively still fighting for the right to do what they want. And often these things do not include something as ambitious as going to Australia. I’ve heard people comment on how nice it would be to go for coffee once a week with friends, maybe go away for a night or two, breathe in new surroundings. We as a family often go for day trips, a drive somewhere, a change of scenery. It’s a must for your mental health!

During times when I myself feel low and inadequate, my mind wanders to those who don’t even choose what times they get out of bed, who can’t spontaneously decide to have a shower that morning, let alone leave the house to do their own shopping or socialise. If this was my reality, I can only imagine that my thoughts would be very dark indeed. To me, this isn’t living – it’s merely existing. And how many people in Ireland are  merely existing?

I heard someone recently say that they were grateful for the services they receive. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of gratitude, eh? After all, as a parent I have instilled in my daughter that we should always be grateful for what we have, that we should always be polite and say please and thank you. I am guilty of being grateful. I am especially grateful to my Personal Assistants for the work they do in helping me be independent. In fact I am so grateful that if my service were to be cut in the morning, that I would probably say something like “well there are people out there who need it more than I do, and sure can’t I manage, and I can still get taxis and buses and stuff”. Firstly, if I didn’t have a Personal Assistant, I guarantee that I would not have the energy to write rambling blogs such as this one. Secondly, my attitude of comparing my own needs to the needs of others perpetuates ableism and creates a hierarchy of disability. Instead of using the PA Service to achieve equality, it seems that those who “need” it more, such as those who need help with personal care, are prioritised. And logically, there is nothing wrong with this. However, this perception, exacerbated by the constant talk of lack of finances since 2008, has led disabled people themselves to lower their own expectations. And talking out is dangerous because if you are perceived to be a bit of an upstart, you risk having whatever little you have being removed from you.

This is the reality within a country that does not yet recognise Personal Assistance as a right. The right to a Personal Assistant so that a disabled person can live in whatever way they choose is currently not recognised in Irish law. Now that we have ratified this famous UN Convention on the Rights of People with Disabilities (UNCRPD) that I have harped on about more than once, the absence of legislation protecting our right to access Personal Assistance is no longer acceptable. Oh, and just to clarify, home help and Personal Assistance are separate services according to Article 19, so having access to one does not justify the denial of access to the other. In case you don’t believe me, I quote directly: “Persons with disabilities have access to a range of in-home, residential and other community support services, including personal assistance necessary to support living and inclusion in the community, and to prevent isolation or segregation from the community.” (UNCRPD, emphasis mine).

A year ago, I had the absolute honour of being co-opted onto the board of an organisation called Center for Independent Living Carmichael House. Last September, we rebranded as Independent Living Movement Ireland  (ILMI). Today, ILMI launched a booklet entitled “Achieving a Right to Personal Assistance in Ireland” in collaboration with the forward-thinking Centre of Disability Law and Policy in NUI Galway, as part of their Disability Legal Information Clinic. It is a positive step towards creating an Ireland that eradicates the notion of disabled person as a medical “patient” and moves instead towards recognising Personal Assistance as a social issue and a basic human right. It fills me with hope that perceptions will change, sooner rather than later.

I want my right to Independent Living to be recognised. Before I die would be brilliant. Then I can focus on living my best life, whatever that may be.

For more information on the vital work of ILMI, or to join our  #PASNow campaign, please visit http://www.ilmi.ie.

A Little Help

Dear whoever has the pleasure of reading this right now: forgive me for I have sinned; it has been almost two months since my last blog post. When I started college, I envisioned having more time to regale you all with trivial tales of my little life but being ever self-pushy and, well…me, that hasn’t happened. However I need to get this off my chest, otherwise I may implode.

I feel like I am living in a nightmare where everyone else is asleep but I am wide awake. I am slowly suffocating and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Being in college for the last few months has confirmed to me that I live within a culture that constructs disability as a problem, that encourages us to blame ourselves for our shortcomings to deflect from the fact that we are oppressed and becoming increasingly voiceless.

Do you think I’ve lost the plot? I think so too.

For college, I decided to do my research essay on Independent Living in Ireland. May I say I wish I’d done it on something else, something I couldn’t give a crap about, because the more I read, the angrier I become. Sometimes I wonder would life be much easier if I didn’t know anything about the reality of Independent Living in Ireland. I wish I could shrug my shoulders, say ‘ah well, that’s just the way it is’.

But I can’t, so here I am.

Reader, I want you to think of your life as it is right now. Maybe you’re a student who studies hard during the week and parties harder at weekends. Perhaps you have the career you always dreamed of, one that brings you all over the world. You could be the proud parent of eight beautiful kids, secretly loving the chaos. Or maybe you’re a bit of a Lothario, with a different partner on your arm every ten minutes. It takes all sorts to  make this world. People with different views, dreams, outlooks, opinions. Everyone is different; that’s what makes us so interesting.

Now, imagine you only had control over your  life for forty-five minutes a day. Yup, forty-five minutes. Imagine you were the CEO of a multi-million euro company. How would you fly around the world to all your important meetings? Imagine you were a fun-loving, party-animal college student who had to go to bed at eight o’clock in the evening and get up at eight o’clock,  no exceptions.  Imagine being fully corpus mentis and expected to put up with an ‘expert’ who doesn’t know anything about you or your life making major decisions about how often you go to the toilet, how often you shower, what you can eat for your dinner.

Welcome to being disabled and needing assistance in 2019, and it’s like a parallel universe. Often it’s like looking at the world from inside a glass bubble, but not quite being able to reach it. It can get lonely in there, and suffocating. And no-one dares break that glass bubble in case someone gets hurt. It’s a world of risk assessments, of the professionals in the white coats, trying in vain to convince people that they truly believe in empowerment and equality. Oh, you can be empowered, so long as these experts are given the power to empower you. They will decide how much assistance you need based on some ticked boxes on a long form. If you have pride, this exercise will be particularly painful. Nobody likes to admit that they can’t do things by themselves. Isn’t the measure of a man/woman the ability to do things by himself/herself?

It’s best to be as compliant and agreeable as possible. No-one likes a troublemaker. And it’s not as though you making a stink is going to make any difference. Everyone knows what happened when Winston Smith from 1984 questioned the system. The system broke him, and in the end he was just grateful that Big Brother had saved his life, even though it was this system that made his life unbearable in the first place.

I fear I’m not making this point very well – Independent Living and freedom of choice is not a disability issue. It is a human rights issue, and one that effects every single one of us. How, you might ask. I don’t believe that ‘non-disabled’ people should support the disability movement just in case they become disabled one day, though I respect people who do have this mindset. I believe that if you don’t believe that the lives of disabled people are worth investing in, if you don’t quite think that every one of us, regardless of impairment, has something to offer, then you are perpetuating an idea of “them” and “us”.

I have postponed penning this blog for about a month now. I didn’t want to upset anyone. I don’t want to appear ungrateful for what I have. Then, this evening, I wondered how many people feel the same way I do, and are also afraid to say anything? How many of you out there are tired of fighting the system? How many of you have become apathetic because it’s really only a myth that the little people can win?

Apologies to those with screenreaders for the shouting here, but –  THESE ARE OUR LIVES.

We only get one life. Are we going to spend the rest of ours being told what to do, waiting to see who arrives to get us up out of bed? We don’t want to be taken care of, we want to be empowered, enabled! We are only going to live once so let’s fight for the things that really matter. Going for that cuppa and getting the cream bun that’s bad for us. Going clubbing and getting so roaring drunk that you end up with your head in the toilet at the end of the night. Taking that job in Dublin that you’ve always wanted. And above all, having the control and the assistance needed, as decided by you, to do those things that all of us should be taking for granted.

Until this is a reality, I don’t think we can afford to be complacent. After all, everyone needs a little help sometimes.

 

Shameless plug: Independent Living Movement Ireland are running a #PASNow Campaign, which calls for the definition and legislation of Personal Assistance. Achieving this would help bring Ireland in line with the UN Convention on the Rights of People with Disabilities. If you are interested, please visit http://www.ilmi.ie.