TMI alert, people: I’m currently in the middle of my, shall we say, ’emotional’ time of the month. And as every woman out there knows, during this period (pun intended) we can become irrationally angry or overwhelmingly emotional for no apparent reason (but hey, isn’t that what chocolate is made for?) Anyway, there is a point to this, I promise. Stay with me.
My husband, my daughter and I were travelling in the car on Monday when ‘Human’ by Rag’n’Bone Man came on the radio. Of course, being an emotionally unstable female, I was instantly in floods of tears, much to the surprise of my husband who nearly crashed his car in shock.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ he blurted out, while I wiped my tears. I shook my head.
‘It’s crazy time again,’ I joked as I tried to compose myself. But there was more to it than that, and he knew it too. And I didn’t have the words to explain. I do now, though.
The energy of the song and the repetitive line ‘I’m only human after all’ brings to mind what’s been going on in the media over the last few months with the remains found in the septic tank at the Mother and Baby Home in Tuam. Like many of us I feel sick as I think about all those women, both young and old, who gave birth to their babies and never knew what became of them. It’s likely that some, if not most of these pregnancies were unplanned, and instead of being supported these women were disgraced, disowned by their families, and left in the hands of the nuns. You’ve read some of the stories, I’m sure. It’s truly harrowing stuff, and it’s been playing on my mind for the last two months.
How can we claim to be compassionate when we don’t even allow people to be human?
I live in a country where my rights as a person with a disability are not protected. This is because something called the United Nations Convention on the Rights of People with Disabilities (or the UNCRPD) hasn’t been ratified by the Irish government. In theory, this Convention guarantees that no person with a disability should be forced to live in an institutional setting against their will. It guarantees access to Personal Assistance as a right, not a privilege. Those who have ratified the Convention (and Ireland is the only EU country that hasn’t) are answerable to the UN if human rights are breached. With constant threats of cuts to PA hours and people with disabilities having to give twenty four hours to use public transport, Ireland would certainly have a lot to answer for.
What upsets me the most is when you have a disability, you’re not allowed to make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, takes wrong turns and yet, when you have a disability you’re either expected to be some kind of Superwoman, or an utter failure. If you make a mistake, well, obviously you’re not cut out for education or parenthood or whatever it was you were trying to do. People judge each other; I’m no different. But this pressure to live up to an arbitrary standard, set by people who may have no experience of disability, is overwhelming. As my loyal followers are aware by now, I came up against intense pressure to prove myself when I had my baby girl. And as you may be aware, I never sought help for my postnatal depression which lasted two and a half years because I was afraid that, combined with my disability, it would give the HSE the authority to take my daughter.
And my overwhelmed, hormonal, PMSing self thinks this is truly unfair. I feel frustrated and tired with it all, and I only wish there was more I could do to challenge this injustice, to stop history from repeating itself. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier if I wasn’t so sensitive, so stubborn, if I just didn’t care. But the truth is, I do care. A lot. Too much.
But there isn’t much I can do at eleven at night, and I’m pretty stuffed from that Easter Egg I’ve just polished off…
Hey, don’t judge me, I’m PMSing.
…and I’m only human, after all…